I spent five years chasing after a married man because I thought that God told me that he was my husband. In my pursuit of him, I dismissed red flag after red flag, including the fact that he was married. I was on a personal crusade, believing that the word I received from God would overrule the other person’s choices and estranged marriage, and that my strenuous and self-indulgent efforts to save this person from himself would reconcile our irreconcilable differences and reconcile us both to God.
In hindsight, my crusade was decades in the making and driven by my deeply-etched wounds of emotional rejection, stemming from my emotionally-estranged relationship with my father. Furthermore, I was willing to sacrifice my sound mind, sense of worth and self-respect because I was unwilling to sacrifice my childhood desperation for ‘the one’ who would give me all of the validation that my father hadn’t. It wasn’t until God guided me through spiritual warfare with this person last summer did I finally realize just how toxic our relationship was and recognize the depth of toxicity within my mind and soul.
Last summer, I experienced a psychotic break. Between August 8th and August 17th of 2020, my mind was inundated with evil imagery and narratives that warped my sense of reality into a 10-day walking nightmare. The man to whom I had devoted my soul, in turn, chose to devote his soul to voodoo, satanic worship and witchcraft. Subsequently, he and others used these dark powers to ‘curse’ me by conjuring spells with malicious intentions toward me and everyone and everything that I held dear. Occasionally, my body experienced dis-ease at the hand of these demonic efforts.
With the aid of the Holy Spirit, I realized that my mind was not only the arena for this war, but the prize as well. Accordingly, I gathered, recorded, customized and declared verses from the Bible that renewed my mind and reassured me of God’s unfailing love and unmatched power. I labeled these verses mind-healing scripture. Therefore, I sought to submit my mind to God’s Word as a means of warfare and worship, as well as for the sake of my well-being.
Upon further reflection and with the insight of Anointed counsel, I came to understand that those terrifying tales that my mind seemed to reveal to me in real-time were actually projections of my repressed fears and revelations of generational trauma experienced by members of my bloodline. Thus, the toxicity that I experienced in my relationships with my former partner and father matched the toxic and traumatic relational blueprint (i.e. curses) of generations present and past. Moreover, the counsel that I received also reminded me of my power of choice – which I had all but forgotten – and shed light on my God-given authority to create a healthy and loving blueprint for my life and subsequent generations.
While the events of the last five years – like events within the preceding 33 years – were incredibly painful to endure, the clarity that my experience has afforded me about who I am and who I am called to be is invaluable. I am beginning to see the pain in my life as points of reference rather than pits in which to dwell. I also see that God will allow the most distressing of circumstances to disturb Their beloved if it means that our ultimate response to these circumstances will destroy prolonged patterns of demonic systems and strongholds.